Sanchez sez...

If loving huge pole is a crime, then I'm a felon

Merry X-wingmas

Renai's thoughts on a more sensual Christmas

In all caps, as bold and triumphant as the majestic peal of Gabriel's horn...

Ummmm, I meant "sexy" like a fat man holding a diet Red Bull and a 7-11 fart-bag burrito.

It's "Go-Time"

So here I sit, a mere 28 and a 1/2 hours away from playing an instrument in public for the first time in over 15 years.

I have put in many long hours the past month in preparation. Needless to say, I will be sorely disappointed if I don't get any panties thrown at me or go the entire night without a single flash of breast.

I remember when I was younger I could rip it up all night for a good-sized crowd. This place is a bit small and the acoustics suck, but it should still be pretty fun.

Heck, with the acoustics so reflective, nobody should be able to hear the crowd screaming from the outside.

Lovey Sunshine, Lead Chainsaw-ist

Prepare yourself for AWESOME flavor

So my friend Sanchez has a cat that keeps ramming its tongue into its own butt. I dislike cats, so I surprised myself by finding this activity to provide some semblance of worth to the species as a whole. Self analingus is hilarious.

All this ass-licking worried her so she called the vet.

She's been told that the animal may need to have somebody "express its anal glands". What the hell?

Paint a picture of a cat asshole composed entirely of dots?

Have Henry Rollins over to the house to berate the the offending sphincter?

Perhaps Phillip Glass can compose another shitastic minimalist piece worthy of conveying the stoic demeanor of a cat's ass.

I did a little research and found that "expressing the anal glands" is a simple as sticking your finger up it's butt and gently pinching what would be a buttocks on a person with your thumb. If done right, a rooster-tail of foul scented discharge worthy of the fountains at Bellagio's will magically appear. Just in time for the holidays too.

Have fun fingering the cat Sanchez. And a Happy New Year.

Fucking filthy cats.

FOLLOW UP: If I was really rich..

Kathleen said...

If this pops up when someone googles my name, I will never forgive you.

Fucker.

Lovey said:

Here's a convenient link:

http://www.google.com/search?q=kathleen+canedo

If I was really rich...

...(and/or "gangsta")...I'd do Cristal and Dom Perignon enemas.

-Kathleen "tinybuttbles" Canedo

Etheral blow job

My buddy Steve's house is haunted. We hold band practice in his basement twice a week and we never go more than a practice without some creepifying thing happening. This usually comes in the form of a direct blast of air on the back of your neck or in your ear. Sort of like somebody blowing out candles on a birthday cake.

There are no vents down there, the bass drums are floor level, any concussive air escaping them is low to the ground.

Occassionally something whines in the back corner behind the bar. It whines in tune. I think it wants to jam.

I love that place.

Once more unto the breach dear friends

A little (delicious) birdie told me that it's officially "the holidays".

At the New Year, the Koreans have a tradition which entails that each member of the family bow before their elders as a show of respect. In return, the elders provide some bit of wisdom to serve you in the year ahead. This wisdom is usually something marginally helpful at best. "Lose 15 pounds before next New Year" is either good advice or an insult. If you're under 12 then they also impart a bit of cash. A great tradition if you're young, an ill-timed expense if you're older.

I'd like to do away with all the bowing, psuedo insults, and cash, and get straight to imparting some advice that is absolutely guaranteed to serve you well in the year ahead:

You never know how a group of folks will react when you mix religion with buggery. Proceed with caution.

There is nothing wrong with not being a fan of your hometown team. Root for the Cowboys.

Nobody is impressed because you earned your "Red Wings". As my friend Sanchez says, "eewwwwww"

When somebody says that you are in their prayers, it's perfectly acceptable to give them one warning to tell them to stop forcing their religion on you. After that, it's OK to ritually sacrifice their pets in honor of them.

While it really does get tighter when they cough or sneeze, hurling a fistful of black pepper into their face in mid-coitus is not cool. Simply ask for them to cough.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, Jagermeister will make you an unstoppable force with near superhuman strength. Now get out there and fight crime, doo-gooders

Push'n stool

A few years ago, being ever the gentleman, I held out a bar stool for one of my ex's to sit down in. She sat down and I pushed her stool in.

Thinking the joke was obvious, I commented, "Man, I haven't done that in a while."

Nothing. crickets.

How come nobody gets my anal sex references?

My buddy John

I work in a 24/7 Ops center. We have several TV's. most are tuned to CNN, MSNBC,etc... except for Mondays. On Mondays, one of them is tuned to the Star Trek marathon on G4TV. This often makes for funny conversation.

Scott: Who knew that Anton LaVey did an episode of Star Trek?

John: Anton LaVey? Wasn't he a running back for the Chargers.

Scott: You're fucking retarded.

Matt: He was the quarterback douchebag.

Whisper Chipper Sand*wish*

I ate a value menu "crispy chicken sandwich" from Wendy's yesterday. It was not all white meat. I'm not even sure it was a chicken.

I believe I will try another one today and try my luck at deciphering the genus and phylum of the poor critter that got tossed into the wood chipper.

Welcome to my blog.