Once more unto the breach dear friends

A little (delicious) birdie told me that it's officially "the holidays".

At the New Year, the Koreans have a tradition which entails that each member of the family bow before their elders as a show of respect. In return, the elders provide some bit of wisdom to serve you in the year ahead. This wisdom is usually something marginally helpful at best. "Lose 15 pounds before next New Year" is either good advice or an insult. If you're under 12 then they also impart a bit of cash. A great tradition if you're young, an ill-timed expense if you're older.

I'd like to do away with all the bowing, psuedo insults, and cash, and get straight to imparting some advice that is absolutely guaranteed to serve you well in the year ahead:

You never know how a group of folks will react when you mix religion with buggery. Proceed with caution.

There is nothing wrong with not being a fan of your hometown team. Root for the Cowboys.

Nobody is impressed because you earned your "Red Wings". As my friend Sanchez says, "eewwwwww"

When somebody says that you are in their prayers, it's perfectly acceptable to give them one warning to tell them to stop forcing their religion on you. After that, it's OK to ritually sacrifice their pets in honor of them.

While it really does get tighter when they cough or sneeze, hurling a fistful of black pepper into their face in mid-coitus is not cool. Simply ask for them to cough.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, Jagermeister will make you an unstoppable force with near superhuman strength. Now get out there and fight crime, doo-gooders

Push'n stool

A few years ago, being ever the gentleman, I held out a bar stool for one of my ex's to sit down in. She sat down and I pushed her stool in.

Thinking the joke was obvious, I commented, "Man, I haven't done that in a while."

Nothing. crickets.

How come nobody gets my anal sex references?

My buddy John

I work in a 24/7 Ops center. We have several TV's. most are tuned to CNN, MSNBC,etc... except for Mondays. On Mondays, one of them is tuned to the Star Trek marathon on G4TV. This often makes for funny conversation.

Scott: Who knew that Anton LaVey did an episode of Star Trek?

John: Anton LaVey? Wasn't he a running back for the Chargers.

Scott: You're fucking retarded.

Matt: He was the quarterback douchebag.

Whisper Chipper Sand*wish*

I ate a value menu "crispy chicken sandwich" from Wendy's yesterday. It was not all white meat. I'm not even sure it was a chicken.

I believe I will try another one today and try my luck at deciphering the genus and phylum of the poor critter that got tossed into the wood chipper.

Welcome to my blog.