My friend Sanchez brought up her love for Tom Swifties. A Tom Swiftie is a sentence that employs a corny joke at the end by using a w(sh)itty adverb to take the exclamation to new heights of mirth. They ARE clever, but I wanted to see if I could inject some minor humor into them by taking things down a notch. A typical Tom Swiftie may look like this:
“My pencil is broken,” Tom said pointlessly." (thanks for the example Sanchez)
Cute? Yes. Funny? A bit. Good clean fun? Perhaps.
That being said, may I submit for your reading pleasure my rendition of Tom Swifties that are not very cute, kinda humorous, and provide the same amount of good clean fun the kids used to have at a G.G. Allin concert.
"Dude, this is NOT a fever blister," Tom lamented herpetically.
"My, that's some fart," Tom exclaimed explosively.
"C'mon sweetie, not even the the tip?" Tom begged cheekily.
"I think she had an adams apple," Tom bubbled sassily
"Jesus Christ," Tom shouted crossly
"Michael J Fox rules," Tom stuttered shakily
"I'm not kissing you after that," Tom said neatly
"We can just share my needle," Tom giggled contagiously
"No cans," Tom remarked empty-handedly
"I'm almost done with the crematorium," Tom announced germanely
Are you smuggling turduckens in that sweater," Tom flirted se-duck-tively
So OK, I made that last one up. The concept of smuggling turduckens in a sweater is much funnier than the old "are you smuggling peas" line you use when somebody's high-beams are on.
Well, I got my daily dose of being 12.
"Vaya con Dios," Scott mourned forsakenly
