Alas, still a purveyor of dick jokes. The process for article submission to Cracked is using a list format, which is not necessarily an issue, but does require the proper amount of time allocated to 'creativity' in order to make my point in that format. To give you an idea of the way my brain works, take an image of a person with poop all over their face. Underneath the image is the caption "Immortal?".  Now , from that visual gem, formulate a well researched article in list format (i.e. Top 10 myths about Survivalism).

Poop is funny!

I'm on my waiting list to be promoted to 'purveyor of dick jokes" on the Cracked.com writer's tank. While I wait, I'll leave you this:

You can't shampoo a shampooer.

Clam-fucking -tastic..a ding-along-ding-dong

So,

A coworker forwarded me an old mail I sent to announce that one of my peeps decided to change sexes.It's pretty awesome I broke the ground when it comes to this sort of thing in my decades old company. Enjoy!

__________

All,

I’ve already briefly reached out to you regarding XXXX’s pending status change. Night shift guys, you’ll get the run down in your mail when you get in.

I don’t believe in pussy-footing around so I wanted to get the ball rolling with getting everybody on the same page. I have the thumbs up from Citizen XXX  to let everybody know we can start referring to XXX  as ‘YYY’.

I could be very safe with the rest of this email, but frankly the SOC is not a sterile corporate environment. No Operations unit ever is, which is one of the reasons I will always be an ‘Ops guy’. We are far more close knit than most environments. We’ve all known XXX a long time, and at least a handful of us (myself included) are just as much friends with the artist formerly known as XXX, as we are co-workers. This is a pretty personal thing and I  figure it warrants more of a personal address than  a sterile email that reads like a shift report with HR overtones.

That being said, let me put a bit more of a personal spin on this mail and share with you how this all panned out…

Never let it be said that a  XXX does not come without an impeccable sense of timing. I got the big news news right after I asked Darrin to inform my Boss I was missing his meeting due to  a ridiculously long spontaneous customer meeting. Said customer was on line “A” of my phone. While I was trying to explain to Darrin what to tell my aforementioned Boss regarding my absence, the STRANGEST thing happened! Line B rang in and a rather exotic British accent told me that I needed to be on another phone call right *now*.   I began the dual conference call two-step. I was doing just fine until my cell phone rang.  Wielding my cell phone like an Excuse Shield ™ , I  put off several more requests for meetings, input, pieces of my soul, etc…

And then my Communicator window popped up.

Our favorite Tipping Point expert pops up with “We should talk, bring a pack of smokes”.

With visions of recent resignations dancing in my head, I put myself on mute, IM’d BT folks on two different continents stating that I needed to excuse myself from both of their concalls for a few minutes and got outside for the dreaded phone call.

After a sigh of relief and what could have been considered an inappropriate burst of laughter had I been talking to anybody but XXX, I immediately responded with , “we are totally going to screw up and call you XXX. We’re dudes, we’re obtuse and generally inconsiderate”.   I also implied  those traits would need to be worked on if there was ever to chance to be officially inducted into the cool kids club. After some more laughter and friendly off-color jokes I won’t commit to this mail, I came back in and feigned attentiveness to my two concalls while I wrapped my head around my narrow escape from what I was sure was going to be a conversation of the “I quit” variety.

The long winded point of this mail is that we should get used to using ‘YYY’ as opposed to ‘XXX’ 

It’s a definitely a bit of a new situation for all of us. That said, I’d like us all to keep the following in mind:

·        We still have our same old Tipping Point guru

·        You don’t have to walk on eggshells

·        Using the wrong name is completely  expected, we’ll get there and it’s understood everybody at some point is going to drop the ‘XXX’-bomb.

·        No Josh, this does  not mean it’s now cool to get into fistfights with YYY over philosophical differences regarding Tipping Point configurations. Savvy?

Now I’m  gonna go head onto the COMPANY-Z Intranet and find out which training module I missed to prepare me for this sort of thing.

Have a good evening folks.  May your future days here be just as interesting as mine.

Ooo, la la......he's dead

With Thomas Kinkade and Vidal Sassoon safely stuffed away in whatever bolgias of Hell are reserved for painters of light and mussers of hair... the time has come. I can finally laugh quietly at my keyboard and leisurely unfurl my wings.

Triumphant return?(you may ask)  

Are you into Frotteurism?(I may answer in the form of a question)

Well dear readers, the answers to both can be found in the knowing smile of a harlequin. Oh, he knows. As sure as the sun baby-laughs at Tele-Tubbies each morning, that fucking clown knows. He knows what I'm doing. He knows a thing or two about rubbing his circus junk all over your upper thigh / chin / nursing child's forehead. 

Harlequin clown don't care.....bitches